Monday, November 28, 2005, 10:36 PM
If There's Such A Thing As A Queasy Heart
Just came back from Sojouners camp over the weekend. Haven't been feeling too good since the last morning of the camp. I sort of have this feeling of wanting to cry but can't throughout today.
No, the camp went great. Nothing went too far out of place that God's grace and providence couldn't hold together. I told Brandon briefly, while I was at his place after midnight preparing for the "New Song Cafe," that I was a little worried about the camp. We didn't have everything sorted out yet and I haven't even seen or heard of the games that were going to be played. *Freaking Out* But thank God everything went okay, well maybe the amazing race was a little more amazing than racy, if you catch my drift. =P
I thought that God wasn't really showing up at the movie session and New Song Cafe and I wondered if I had made the right decisions to give proper sessions a miss and do something different. But guess what? God is ever so awesome! God started a spark during the first night session when Uncle Jem spoke about knowing God and making God known during the morning session that followed.
Toward the end of the session going into ministry time, I felt the urge to kneel and cry out for God's help. And cry I did! It was the longest and hardest I've cried since I can remember. It was like years of bottled up emotions were coming out. The thought that saddened me the most and strengthened my plea to God was how much I've changed from the boy who had such child-like faith and followed after God whole-heartedly. Now there's only a shadow of that boy left. Now I've become more weathered, jaded, hopeless...
It was very refreshing to finally let it all out. At times I actually hate myself for not being able to release through tears my burdens.
But those weren't the reasons for my queasy heart. I made an error in judgement and should have known better. What's worse, I broke the heart of someone who believed in me the most 'cos of it. *Sigh* I was so excited going into the camp. Planning with the camp committee and spending time preparing for the camp. What happened? I just wish I could go back and change what happened. Why did I allow the devil a foothold? Now I have given the enemy ammunition to ransom me.
Daddy God, all I ask is for Your grace. Please give me another chance...
here i am
Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.
(Psa 150:1-6)
this is me
Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Gal 2:20 MSG)
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