Saturday, November 05, 2005, 11:00 PM
Whirl of Emotions
Just "sent off" Rena and Jonathan today at church. They're leaving, both to another church. Rena to Chapel of the Holy Spirit and Jonathan to Trinity. The 2 of them are moving on to the next stage of life that God is leading them to.
I know I should be happy to see them off and wish them all God's best but I can't help feel that they've unfinished business here. There's a whirlpool of emotions within myself. Some of which I can't even identify. I'm angry, sad, disappointed, and other negetive feelings. But I realise I'm more sad than anything.
Sad that I haven't made up with Rena. I feel like crying but I can't remember how. I think of all the dreams we shared. All the encouragement and joy. Where have they all gone? And how did it have to come to this? Jonathan? Swayed by what's pleasing to him. I thought he'd be fighting alongside me. It seems before he's risen up, he's gone.
I feel the devil's laughing and taunting me. "What are you going to do now? You think you won't make the same mistakes as before? Is your pledge that you won't be like previous leaderships going to be enough?"
Dear Lord, please wake me up! Renew my vision. Raise me up again. Reignite the passion and longing for You. Bring back the child in my heart, who's faith and ideals were still intact. Speak Your word and call me back to You! Don't hide Your face from me, please. Look on me with grace and pour Your blood over me and cleanse me. I need You back. I want to make a difference!
here i am
Praise the LORD.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with tambourine and dancing,
praise him with the strings and flute,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.
(Psa 150:1-6)
this is me
Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. (Gal 2:20 MSG)
connected through destiny
as far as the east is from the west
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